My Story Of Survival, Loss, and Hope
Here is my cancer story as I remember it. I only four years old, but I was constantly getting sick. I would bruise where most kids usually wouldn't. I was acting quite differently than my normal self. I had always been outgoing and adventurous, but suddenly I had become clingy & didn't like going places and didn't even want to stay at my grandparents'. My parents took me to my pediatrician to figure out why I was acting so strange. Nothing obvious appeared in their exam, so they did some blood work. My blood cell count came back as significantly abnormal and was immediately sent to the Children's hospital of Philadelphia, where I was diagnosed with Leukemia. I only remember bits and pieces. I remember being in the hospital and my mom staying with me while my dad had to go back home to return to work. I remember my father's employer (Bethlehem Steel) raising money and sending care baskets. (We were roughly an hour away from Philly.) At one point, I had had so many IV's in my arms, the nurses could no longer find the veins and had to put them into the bottom of my foot. That is about all I remember of my hospital stay.
I don't remember exactly the length of time that I was hospitalized. I do remember having to return on a weekly basis for a while, and dreading the hour trip each way to the hospital. I also remember the dreaded spinal tap. I had to lie in the fetal position while they stuck me in the back with an enormous needle to check to see that my Leukemia didn't spread into my spinal cord. I will NEVER forget that horrid experience. I screamed until I literally screamed myself to sleep. I was put on a variety of medications. I remember always being hungry and eating everything in sight!
My hair got really thin so I had to have my pretty blonde hair cut short so that it was more manageable for my mom. Eventually the hospital trips were less frequent and further apart, but unfortunately I had to keep getting those darn spinal taps. I couldn't return to pre-school for awhile because my immune system was weak, it was too risky for me to get ill. I'm not really sure how long it was before my Leukemia went into remission, but eventually I went to kindergarten my hospital visits became monthly. The spinal taps finally didn't have to be done anymore and blood work was done to check my cell count every so often at a local oncologist.
I kept being a cancer survivor to myself growing up. I didn't want people to ask questions and I didn't want to feel “different” than other kids, or relive that part of my life. After college I started feeling comfortable “sharing my story” and trying to remember what I went through. As you read this you see there are still lots of “holes” in my memory.
I've had long term side effects that I believe are from the drugs & treatments I had. I am REALLY bad with numbers, math, and problem solving. I have a lot of trouble remembering number sequences. I believe that some of the lower back pain that I have is from the treatments as well. Thankfully my reproductive organs were not affected by the radiation and I was able to conceive and give birth to a healthy child!!
That was only half of my cancer story unfortunately. You see cancer runs deep in my family. Nearly 10 years had passed, I was 14 years old and it was mid-summer when my family just got back from our beach vacation.
My mom wasn't feeling well. After a week of not getting any better, she went to the doctor who said she had bronchitis and gave her an antibiotic and sent her home. A week or so later she was still not better and went back to the doctor, who said she had Pneumonia, prescribed a different medicine and sent her back on her way. The end of September came and she was not getting any better, in fact getting worse—a horrible cough, no appetite and in fact couldn't even eat or keep food down, constant exhaustion, severe weakness, and could barely talk. She couldn't work, she was at home in bed, trying to take care of her "Pneumonia." She went back to the doctor who then performed some other tests and realized this wasn't Pneumonia, but cancer! It was in her lungs, and had spread to her lymph nodes. She had been sick a month and a half and the cancer was able to aggressively spread. She was immediately admitted to the hospital & we were able to have the same local doctor that treated me come in and work with my mom, which was comforting. Treatment was started but the prognosis wasn't good. I remember I was in the 9th grade and was going to school to try and keep some normalcy in my life. My brother who didn't have a clue what was going on, was only 4 years old. I school was let out and my Aunt and Grandmother were waiting for me (this was not normal), my heart sank… they said it wasn't good, my dad was at the hospital. I didn't know what that meant, what wasn't good- was she already dead, was she not going to make it—for a 14 year old this was all so confusing and happening all too fast. They took me to my house and I lost it—she couldn't leave me, I needed my mom damn it! My dad came home to pick me up & take me to the hospital, we were told she wasn't going to make it through the night.
My mom was sedated to keep the tube down her throat and keep her out of pain. I said my good bye. My dad took me to my grandparents and then went back to the hospital to stay with her until she passed away which happened that night. I remember her funeral, it was a funeral that you would have thought some famous had died. My mom's father was a police Captain and knew everyone in the community. The viewing line was so long the hours had to be extended to accommodate all the visitors. The line run out the funeral home into the parking lot. The next day the burial was the same thing—everyone came to show support.
Everything happened so quickly and my mom was dead in only a couple months! A day doesn't go by that I don't think about her. She missed my high school and college graduations, my wedding, to see me buy my first house, meeting my husband, and to see her grandson.
Cancer is by far the most unpredictable and destructive disease in my opinion. There was no rhyme or reason as to why my cells mutated into cancer cells as a child. I didn't fall into the risk categories.
My mom had rarely smoked earlier in her life, and hadn't smoked in 4 years (she quit when she got pregnant with my brother). People that have smoked A LOT more then her and live to be some ridiculous age and never get cancer, but that isn't what God had planned for her fate. I am not a religious person, but I believe that God has made me a stronger. I tell my story so people that might are going through what I went through, know there are bright days ahead or a success story out there among what seems like all doom and gloom.
A few years ago, my grandma passed away from cancer as well. So never had the opportunity to meet her great grandson. All three of the women on my mother's side got cancer and I was the only one to survive it.
The sad and scary thing is that my cancer can return or I can get a new cancer. Don't take life for granted, you never know what will happen tomorrow. This site is part of my way of giving back and paying it forward and EDUCATING OTHERS ABOUT CANCER.
In Dec 2008, my dog died of cancer at only 5 years of age which is unusual as well.